The twist that this is zombie children versus elementary school teachers isn’t exactly revolutionary, and it doesn’t need to be. The plot is the same as most zombie movies: zombies happen, people try to survive, and since this is a comedy, hijinks ensue. (Because he was born on 9/11 you see, obviously sent by God to sit in Clint’s classroom and play with his cell phone instead of paying attention.) No, what made me think that somewhere in this script lives the experience of a teacher was when I watched the main character, Clint (Elijah Wood) talking to his incoherent, air quote-wielding principal about his “pedagogical style.” Well, that, and when he deals with the obnoxious child named Patriot. And it’s not even necessarily the unholy glee the teachers show when taking out some of the evil children with makeshift weapons later on. I don’t necessarily say this because of the basic concept of kids turning into flesh-eating zombies after eating tainted chicken nuggets that are a plain call back to the pink slime scare.
The story calls for them to have some time for discussions, but really it just plays on the stereotypes of teachers, without really getting into anything real.I think Cooties was either written by an elementary school teacher, or written by someone who is good friends with one. The characters all spend much time not doing anything. Then later, one of the zombie kids smashes them all, for no apparent reason.
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Cooties sets up a cell-phone free school, where all the phones get locked in the Principal’s office. One of the seemingly hardest things for modern-day horror films to do is to disconnect the characters from society, so that they don’t have access to information, or communications, or other support systems. What the adults have to worry about is being overrun by kids and torn apart. But the only people that can become zombies are the kids, adults need not worry about the infection. As a zombie film, it’s got some legs, creating zombies out of kids. While the premise of Cooties makes for a fun idea, and getting the creators of Glee and Saw to collaborate on the story is an interesting mash-up, the film is really a one-note sort of movie. “ You can’t eat the teachers, man!” – Wade The burn the place to the ground, and depart in Rick’s van for “someplace children don’t want to go.” Suddenly Wade bursts in, having survived the attacks in the playground (probably due to his football skills) and proceeds to spray the kids with a super-soaker filled with gasoline. Another group of children chase them into an indoor playground called Jump N Jammin, where they are surrounded by hungry youngsters.
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They see news reports on TV that large portions of the population are becoming infected and attacked. The group makes it to nearby Danville (thank God it’s not Fort Chicken!), but runs out of gas. After many brief encounters with the zombified children, the teachers make it to Wade’s truck (a dual rear-wheel behemoth), but Wade falls to the hordes of kids. The teachers gather weapons and plan to storm out of the building, but first need Clint and Lucy need to get some food for Calvin who is moving into a diabetic coma. Doug hypothesizes that the hormonal changes of puberty render the infection as a minor stomach-flu. The teachers and the two students are unaffected by the scratches they receive due to the fact that they have all passed puberty.
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Happy Poultry is anything but! What? Chicken butts.
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